Make the friends you wish you had
You moved to a new city and have no friends.
Everyone around you seems like they’ve had the same friend group for years. How are you supposed to break in and make new friends? You’re even starting to resent the place itself.
“People just ain’t friendly here.”
“I don’t think this place is for me.”
“I want to go home.”
When I moved to Bogotá, Colombia, I felt similar.
I made excuse after excuse for why I was lonely.
I had videos to edit.
My Spanish wasn’t perfect.
Plus, I wanted to avoid the, “I have no friends. You want to be my friend?” conversations.
My daily routine was 6 espresso shots while I edited videos for 14 hours and secretly jerked off in the shower on the 15th hour to feel something.
Houston, we have a problem.
Among the myriad of challenges, I couldn’t continue living in isolation if I wanted to enjoy this dream life of travel with my bag and a camera.
Since Colombia, the biggest move I made was to Denver.
When I moved here, I went from feeling depressed and alone on my grandparents’ couch to being part of a tribe within three months.
In this letter, I’m going to break down how I learned to make friends in new cities and add insight I’ve acquired after facilitating hundreds of connections through Dynamic Dinner.
I guarantee you can find your tribe in less than 3 months.
You just need to shift your perspective.
If you move again, you’re just prolonging the real issues.
You are the common denominator.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Go Inward
The first step in finding your tribe is finding yourself.
Start by asking these 3 questions until you’re red in the face:
1) Who am I?
2) What do I want?
3) How do I move towards what I want?
This section alone could be a 101 different books (and is).
Instead of giving you the encyclopedia on creating identity, here are a few simple, yet profound activities/questions to get started.
Ideal Week
Go to any blank week in your calendar next year.
Think about what your ideal ordinary week would look like.
This isn’t about your dream vacation life.
What week could you live over and over again and be happy with?
Fill in those time blocks as if you’re scheduling it.
Here’s an example of what my ideal ordinary week looks like right now.
Here’s a great video if you want to dive deeper.
Remember, this will change over time.
How do you add life to your life? (What are your healthy daily activities?)
Do you workout? Are you focused on nutrition? Do you mountain bike, dance, or walk the park?
Seeking connection through ways that you already pour into yourself creates a system of fun accountability.
It’s hard to get up and workout 4 days a week at 6am.
If you find other psychopaths who also want that, you’ve just baked in friendship with an activity that takes care of your mental and physical health.
If you’ve moved to a new city and want to make life changing connection fast, this would be my number one recommendation.
Do it tomorrow.
It creates an exponential upward spiral.
Other questions to consider
- What sparks childlike joy in your life?
- What skills have you invested 100+ hours into?
- What do you want to learn? (professionally or personally)
There are many different ways of cultivating your truth and understanding who you are, but the point here is to use this data to inform the decisions you make when approaching new connections.
Pay for Alignment
Unpopular opinion:
You should pay for friends.
You invest in travel by buying gas for your car.
You invest in your health by buying organic food.
You invest in knowledge by purchasing a college degree.
Invest in your friendships by paying for events, courses, and experiences where you’ll find the friends you want.
This is why it’s important to know who you are first.
Here’s a list of what you should pay for to meet the people you want to be friends with:
- Gym membership (group class focus)
- Conferences
- Retreats
- Masterminds
- Courses (in-person/online cohorts)
- Events (like Dynamic Dinner)
Show Up
For the first week of landing back in Colorado I slept on my grandparents couch.
I was so lonely, broke, and confused.
The funk I was in felt like a pool of maple syrup. The sure-fire diabetes inducing Aunt Jemima high fructose corn syrup type, not the real stuff.
Through Instagram, a friend in Venice, CA introduced me to one of her friends in Denver. She said, “Y’all should connect! She’s incredible.”
I reached out, and this friend of a friend mentioned that she had a breathwork event coming up and invited me to come.
On the night of, I nearly bailed.
My mind thought of all the excuses for why I shouldn’t go.
You know how the mind shows you all your fears when you make a new decision?
That. That happened.
Through the skin on my teeth, I showed up.
Showing up to that event was foundational for the tribe I’ve built in Denver (and around the globe).
The facilitator and I also fell madly in love for a year.
My point is, SHOW UP.
You’d be impressed at how many people buy tickets to Dynamic Dinner ($77 experience) and never come.
No, it’s not that case for everyone.
But, many of them buy tickets because they realized they want meaningful connection in their life – then, on the night of, they let fear and stories take over.
“It’s going to be too awkward.”
“I probably won’t find anyone I like anyways.”
“I’d rather just chill by myself tonight.”
If you want to make new friends, don’t let your mind control you with fear.
Show up.
Be yourself.
Understand that not everyone needs to ,or gets to, be your best friend. There’s a massive spectrum of connection. The game of relating isn’t black and white.
When you show up to the experience of your choice, if anyone stands out to you, ask them if they’d be open to connecting after the event.
Get their social media, phone number, or email.
Ask for what you want and trust them to respond with their truth.
It comes off as less needy when you’re honest and vulnerable.
Check-in
Build connections through interests.
Build relationships through essence.
My current best friends and I don’t speak much on the regular.
That’s because my priority right now is building a financial foundation for the rest of my life.
They understand me. They see me.
When we get together we share highlights and struggles; we laugh and cry together.
We built connection initially through interests like fitness, entrepreneurship, spirituality, emotional awareness, breathwork, travel, etc.
Then we built relationships through essence.
Essence includes your values, missions, and life path.
The how to the what.
Sometimes essence is simply a feeling.
Take time after you show up to reflect.
- How did those people make you feel?
- Did anyone specifically stand out?
- Do I still want to reach out? (if you haven’t already)
Reach out
Where does networking end and meeting new friends begin?
What’s the fundamental difference?
Your intention.
Most people go to networking events to push their business card like a street drug.
What if you showed up looking for new friends?
Friends that you could trust to do business with.
The reason I say that is because professional “networkers” are incredible at follow up. Check out this email I got the day after meeting a man at a start-up week event.
Honestly, it’s inspiring. He has no shame. He doesn’t give a fuck if I was judging him for plugging his products before we even had a follow up conversation.
Most of us have the opposite challenge. We care so much about what other people think that we won’t send a text saying, “Hey it was great to meet the other day. I’d love to follow up and grab a coffee to learn more about you.”
How many times have you been to an event, met someone you thought was interesting, and chickened out of asking for their contact info?
Same.
Stop doing that. Reach out.
Step into courage and do it scared.
One thing I’ve changed in the last year is how I follow up.
I started inviting people to join for my additive activities.
Sauna. Cold plunge. Walking. Running. Healthy meals.
How do you add value to your life?
Invite people to do those activities with you.
If you cold plunge, invite them to meet you for a cold plunge.
If you walk the park for fitness, invite them to join for you a walk.
If you’re saving money by eating lunch at home, invite them for a lunch at your place.
I have a quick story to wrap up.
I joined the most prestigious and expensive Rotary Club in Denver.
We had New York Times best-selling authors, self-made millionaires, and the ex-CEO of Girl Scouts.
Our lunch meetings were at the Denver Country Club.
No hats. No phones. Collard shirt and slacks required.
After I got into the club I started checking for essence.
One man, Jim, really seemed interesting to me.
He had authentic positive energy, unorthodox questions, and we held easy conversation together.
“Hey Jim, are you game to get lunch together? Just us.”
“Yeah, let’s do it!” He responded.
At the time I was living in a 421 sq./ft. studio apartment downtown. I told him, “Let’s meet at my home office downtown. I’ll cook lunch.”
I cooked lunch and spread it across the couch/bed/table I owned. It was literally all three in one.
When I used it as a table I laid a cloth (blanket) over top so it looked flatter.
Jim, a 60+ year-old Rotarian and I had lunch sitting on the ground in my studio apartment 2 years ago.
Today, I could pick up the phone and call him for just about any reason.
Ask for what you want.
Trust others to respond with their truth.
I still owe the Rotary club dues.
The Compass
These include resources I love or believe in, affiliate links, and my personal projects.
Health:
My favorite app to use for finding gyms while you travel:
Wealth:
I’m learning that clarity is one of the main drivers to wealth. This book dives into how well you should know your offering to make serious money.
Relationships:
My partner and I blew our relationship wide open 2 weeks ago (and it nearly ended). Since then we’ve evolved our foundation and create a document to help understand how we relate. Here’s a glimpse at it:
Wisdom:
“Critisize in general, praise in specific.” – Warren Buffet
YouTube: This letter as a video.
Fun:
