How to Become a Better Man (9 of 12)
Social media is the wild west. Instead of shooting guns, people throw shade.
While I was out on a city wander around Denver, I walked past a food truck on Larimer St. My internal voice said, “Stop by that food truck, and ask for a free gyro.”
For context, I’m committed to not buying food or coffee outside of the grocery store until my personal debt is paid off.
I thought to myself, “No, that’s crazy. Plus I just went grocery shopping. I don’t need to do that.”
However, I’ve learned that avoiding my inner whisper is a mistake 99% of the time. Especially when the stakes are low, and it doesn’t make sense.
I walked up to a food truck and asked, “If I give you a 5-star review online and post a selfie on my Instagram will you give me a sandwich for free?”
He said, “No. I need cash.”
“I respect that.” I walked away.
I was 50 feet away from his truck, and walking away.
The back doors of his truck swung open.
“Hey, come back! Do you not have any money?”
Technically I had my credit card, but not money I was willing to spend.
“No, I don’t in this moment.” I said.
“Give me 10 minutes. Wait here.” He said with a new tone.
As Asieel was making food, I asked him a few questions.
He’s from Sudan. He’s been selling Gyros on Larimer Street in Denver for 7 years!
“Never give up! We’re going to make it.” He told me several times.
He even said, “You’re going to be a millionaire. Don’t give up.”
Damn. I asked this guy for a free meal and he’s giving me the affirmations I’d pay a coach $2,500 to give me.
“Asieel, What’s your dream?” I asked him.
He raised both hands like he was standing over a job well done, and without missing a beat said, “To pay off my house and leave it for my 3 kids.”
“You think it’s possible?” He asked me.
“With your energy, I guarantee it.” I told him.
I had one more question.
“Why did you stop me?”
He said, “I felt like I made a mistake. I help people. Don’t ever give up.”
Needing heat inside the truck, he closed the window.
I realized why I was asking for a free sandwich tonight.
When he opened the window again I told him, “Asieel, I have one mission tonight. It’s to get as many people to your food truck as possible.”
So, that’s what I did. I put together this video, and told that story.
Right now, the video has 755k views, 323 saves, and 250 shares.
It also has 364 comments. Most of which look like this:
You can go check out the post to read others. Some of them are poetically crafted, which I respect. At least they took the time to think about how they’d shit on me.
The Question
How will I respond?
Not just with my actions, but how will my body respond?
Have you ever sent an email and realized it had grammatical errors and misinformation all over it?
Your stomach turns. You feel embarrassed. You rush to grab your phone or computer so you can send a follow up email apologizing like you just accidentally killed someone’s dog.
The feelings of shame and embarrassment take over your body and mind.
It’s not a conscious choice in the moment. It just happens.
But, it happens because of the way you did it in the first place. You wrote the email about an upcoming work event that you don’t really care about, while in a state of stressed out scatter, and in a lifestyle that’s based in fear.
The email is the tip of the iceberg.
I’ve done this before several times. When I traveled to Ukraine to document the war in 2021 people commented things like “I hope your death is fast.” My own mom said, “I hope you have money for your funeral. I can’t afford that.
That fucked me up for a minute. Thankfully I had a 12 hour plane ride to disconnect and be with the shame it was bringing up.
These little moments where the body speaks to us are gold if we allow them to be.
Our truth comes out when we sit.
The problems amplify when we run.
Stop being a victim
I chose this. I 100% chose to engage with myself and the food truck.
I was listening to an internal voice that no one else hears.
Getting to the place where you can actually hear yourself think is for another email.
For now, let’s start there.
I had the thought. I acted on the thought. I played in my own creative sandbox.
Call it god, universe, or savior complex – it was my thought and my actions.
In this larger process of defining and learning what it means to be a better man, accountability seems to be a main pillar.
Accountability’s powerful because it makes you ask another question.
What do you want?
I want to live life more alive. That means living more in my truth. Letting go of the rails.
If I want to dance and sing in the middle of 16th Street Mall, why not?
If I want to build a $1 million concept based on human connection, why not?
Shame. 99% of the time shame is why not.
I’m afraid of what others will think of me.
That’s part of the reason you hate social media. Because it makes you shameful.
“Wow, look at this person in Hawai’i living their best life!”
Why am I not living my best life? Shame.
“This guy’s running an ironman every month!”
I wish I looked like that. Shame.
“That crypto dude’s making $1 million.”
If only I was making $1 million. Shame.
The medium (social media) isn’t the devil.
The devil is the voice inside of you that social media amplifies.
Social media shadow work
So, what do you do about that voice?
It may be easy to label, but how do you actually change it?
I’m going to give you 2 ways to change your inner dialogue when it comes to social media.
1) What’s the opposite here that’s also true?
This question’s fundamentally changed my existence. And I don’t say that lightly.
Next time you’re scrolling social media and start to have negative thoughts like:
“Why am I doom scrolling again? I hate when I do this.”
“I can’t believe this post only has 500 views. I should delete it.”
“Elon Musk is going to ruin our planet.”
“Suzy is so selfish for running a fundraiser while California is burning.”
Ask, what’s the opposite here that’s also true?
“I have full choice of whether or not I want to scroll right now.”
“I had fun making that post. It’s okay that it didn’t go viral.”
“I’m healthy in this moment. I’m grateful for this temperature controlled box that I live in. Without it I’d be at mother nature’s whim.”
“I bet Suzy’s really passionate about her puppy adoption center. I’m so glad she’s asking for what she needs.”
One moment at a time.
One judgmental thought at a time.
Retrain your negative bias to positive bias.
It’s not being blind. It’s choosing a new default.
2) Social media shadow work
Shadow work is a psychological process that involves exploring the parts of ourselves that we repress, ignore, or hide.
Doing shadow work is like going to the gym.
Put yourself in a safe enough container (gym) to intentionally open wounds (tearing muscles) so you can foster strength and growth (process of how muscles grow).
We only grow through challenges. Sitting on the couch, judging everyone else leads to a depressed and shameful life.
The process for shadow work using social media is simple:
- Sit down and set your phone up to film
- Talk about 1 thing you believe
- Watch the video back and ask yourself, “Would I show this to my best friend?” If not, why not?
The benefit of this isn’t becoming an influencer, it’s getting to know your internal stories about yourself. - Do this until your answer is, “Yeah, I’d show this to my best friend.”
- Then post it online.
- Notice how you feel the second you post it online.
- Then notice how often you’re checking the videos views, likes, and comments.
- Continue asking yourself, “How does this feel?
- Ruminating over how many views it has? Why?
Effected by that comment? Why?
Starting to change your mind on what you said? Why? - Do this whole process once a week.
My takeaway from today’s letter is that becoming a better man means becoming truer to myself.
With awareness.
With humility.
With reflection.
Without apology.
Much love,
Ryan
