How to Become a Better Man (6 of 12)
Last week, I took 3.5g of magic mushrooms, put on a blindfold, and looked under the hood.
At one point, during my six-hour journey, I was physically sitting criss-cross applesauce in a dark room, completely silent.
Mentally, though, I was back in the living room of my childhood trailer home in Minnesota.
It felt like virtual reality. As I moved my head, I was looking around my childhood living room.
“Babe (Juice), come in here. I want you to be part of this,” I called. I knew whatever was about to happen would be vulnerable.
I’m learning to share those moments with her.
“Take a few notes down,” I said.
Several different energies filled the room. Familiar energies I’d felt as a child but didn’t have words for.
I said, “Wow, we passed so many judgments onto people with money for things we didn’t even have.”
If a family seemed happy and had money, the happiness had to be a facade. They couldn’t be rich and genuinely like each other.
Ironically, we were broke, and most people in my own family didn’t like each other.
So there I was, judging people for two things I didn’t have:
Money.
And a home where people actually like each other.
I told Juice, “I learned to make judgments as projections for things I wanted.”
Judgments kept me safe. If I believed rich people who looked happy were full of shit, then why would I want to be rich?
Faking happiness would be way easier.
Defining Projections and Judgments
I was projecting my insecurities onto people around me
Projections are defense mechanisms wrapped up in judgments.
Geralyn Dexter, a Verywell Health board member, says, “Projection is often viewed as a coping strategy…when we project our feelings onto others, it can serve as a way to keep us from experiencing uncomfortable emotions like fear, guilt, or shame.
It can also be an unconscious effort to preserve our self-esteem or sense of self.”
In my example above, I was projecting my shame onto people who had money and looked happy.
I wanted those things.
Really, I wanted what those things represented—freedom and joy.
My judgments-as-projections stunted my personal growth for 20+ years.
Projections come out as judgment.
Judgments stunt curiosity.
Curiosity is a pillar of growth.
Projections Are Like Quicksand
Will Storr says in The Science of Storytelling, “The world we experience as ‘out there’ is actually a reconstruction of reality that is built inside our heads. It’s an act of creation by the storytelling brain.”
We’re always creating stories in our minds. Projections are stories built on judgments we hold about ourselves.
I judged myself for not being a rich kid in a happy family, so I judged others who were. Those feelings came out as projections.
If you’re accusing your girlfriend of being jealous because you feel unsafe or ashamed in the relationship, you’re stunting your growth in love.
If you blame your business challenges on the overall economy, you’re stunting your financial and business growth.
If you’re projecting all your problems onto your parents because of how they raised you, you’re stunting your personal development (and probably health, wealth, and relationships across the board).
There’s an unspoken razor’s edge between curiosity and judgment.
The cure to limiting projections is leaning towards curiosity instead of judgment.
Live the Curious Life
We project onto three types of people:
1. People you’re afraid of
You feel threatened.
As a gazelle, it’s easier to say, “That lion is heartless; they probably don’t even love their kids,” rather than, “I’m not at the top of the food chain. I fear for my calve’s lives every day.”
2. People you don’t want to be like
There’s a part of them that reflects something in you that you’re afraid of.
With the holidays coming up, if your mom is difficult to be around, it’s likely because you see a part of yourself in her that you don’t like.
My mom has one of the most “F*ck it, I’ll do it myself” energies that I’ve ever experienced. It’s so strong that it’s hard to emotionally get close to her. Guess what?
I’m 50% my mama’s DNA.
A gift and a challenge.
When I’m struggling to be around her in the “F*ck it, I’ll do it myself” energy, it’s because I don’t want to push people away in my own life.
The projections are from fear. I don’t want to be like that, yet I fear the piece of me that’s exactly like that.
3. People you want to be like but aren’t
You project onto people you want to be like because you’re ashamed of the gap.
The gap is the distance between your current self, and what you see in this other person.
You see someone who’s fit, while you’re 50 pounds overweight and eating McDonald’s twice a week.
Instead of growing curious about how to change, you judge yourself based on their success.
The judgment then comes out as a projection.
Easy 1% Shift Today
Most people walk around projecting 80%+ of the time.
Fixing this takes hard work and time.
Here’s a challenge for this week:
When you want to judge someone, stick out your tongue. Physically make a face like “Ew, that tastes bad.”
Then ask yourself a question about them.
A genuine question.
“I wonder how they built a happy family?”
“How did they become rich?”
“How can I create a marriage full of love?”
“I wonder what it takes to look like that.”
Practice pulling the thread of childlike curiosity.
Being Dynamic: Having more choices, and the wisdom to choose.
Be 1% more dynamic today.
Our Dynamic Men’s Group starts in 1 month! If you’re a man seeking more connection, confidence, and clarity – check it out here and set up a call with me.
I love you.
Ryan
