How to Become a Better Man (5 of 12)
You don’t trust yourself, and they can feel that. They’re not buying what you’re selling because you’re not sold on it yourself.
I’ve experienced this firsthand through running Dynamic Dinner for almost two years now.
If you’ve never been, Dynamic Dinner is an in-person, facilitated connection experience. More simply put, it’s a mash-up between self-development & dinner party (thanks Carolyn ;).
After hosting 500+ people, I learned one thing: if I don’t lay down the rules of the game, then model and enforce them, trust goes out the window.
For example, I tell people, “Tonight we’re using empowered communication. Use ‘I’ statements when you share.”
Then I turn around and say, “You know, those people are always running their mouths.” Boom—trust shattered. The room that trusted me at 50% is now clocking in at 35%.
Why? Because I broke the rule that I set.
It’s the same with you.
When you say, “I’m getting up early tomorrow to work out,” and then hit snooze instead, you’ve broken trust—with yourself.
And over time, those micro-tears of trust pile up, teaching you to trust yourself less and less.
You’re a Leader—But You Keep Breaking Your Own Promises.
Many of you are leaders—you own businesses, manage teams, and your family looks to you for leadership.
But the most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. And if you don’t trust yourself, how can you expect anyone else to trust you?
The promises you keep breaking with yourself are directly correlated to the lack of trust others have in you.
Here’s another personal example.
Right now, I’m recruiting and on-boarding for my men’s group.
If I were to hop on a call with a man who’s looking for transformation and wants to create a sense of accountability through brotherhood – he’s a full f*ck yes to me.
But if I get on a call with someone who says, “I’m mostly looking for a group of guys to hang with on the weekends, but maybe I’ll try this inner work thing,” he’s a no.
Even if I feel the pressure to fill the group because, let’s be real, I’ve got bills and rent to pay—I still have to say no.
If I say yes, I’m betraying my own integrity and doing a disservice to the rest of the group.
Here’s how it plays out if I lean into fear and make a no a yes: I let someone in who’s not a fit. Over the course of 12 weeks, the other men in the group start to see that he’s not aligned. They don’t feel as safe. They lose trust in the group and in me. And now I’m over here sulking, playing the victim: “Why don’t they trust me? I put so much work into this!” The group doesn’t get as much value from the container. Future groups suffer.
It’s a gnarly spiral.
The start of the spiral: I didn’t trust myself.
The end of the spiral: They don’t trust me.
Start Trusting Yourself—Say No When You Mean It.
The people pleaser in you thinks that saying yes will keep everyone happy.
But here’s the paradox: people trust you more when they know you’re willing to say no.
I can’t trust your ‘yes’ until I can trust your ‘no.’
You trust you when you operate from a place of inner truth – not from a place that’s looking around to see how you can please everyone else.
Selfishness is the highest expression of trust.
This is what I share with men who are looking to join the Dynamic Men’s Group.
Almost every man I’ve interviewed has mentioned this section. “I love that you put in your selfish purposes on the intro.”
I’m selfish about the vision. I want men who are committed to inner work, not dudes looking for another weekend rager. If they aren’t willing to show up this way, than the group isn’t for them. Even if I have to tell them that.
Here’s something I want you to try.
Next time someone asks you if you want to do something, it could be anything (get lunch, go for a trip, workout), take a deep breath and actually ask yourself.
“Do I want to do that?”
Saying “yes”, when your answer is “no” creates a disonance internally and builds a lack of trust within yourself. That lack of trust is then reflected to you by your outside world.
If the answer is no, DO NOT bend. DO NOT look for an excuse or a way out. Simply say, “No thank you.”
That moment of truth? It’s going to hit—hard. For you, and for them. But on the other side of that discomfort is trust, both in yourself and in the relationships you keep.
You might lose a few people along the way, sure. But the ones who stick around? They’ll trust you like never before.
When you have the opportunity today, seize it.
Being Dynamic: Having more choices, and the wisdom to choose.
Be 1% more dynamic today.
I love you.
Ryan
