How to Become a Better Man (4 of 12)
70 sec. short film to watch & listen to this article
When I was 12 years old I would steal my dad’s porn DVDs from the top shelf of his closet. That way I could watch it on the big screen instead of my tiny iPod Touch.
I did that for years, and never told anyone.
This is actually the first time I’m publicly talking about it anywhere.
From 12 to 24, I could count on 2 hands the amount of serious conversations I had with anyone about my porn habits.
Yet, the habit plagued my mind.
I was ashamed.
I tried to quit multiple times, but couldn’t.
Plus, I was a self-baptized Christian, so I knew God was waving his finger at me.
I was at war with myself, and had no safe outlets.
My dad was around, but he couldn’t hold us both in that level of conversation.
Plus, the porn was his in the first place. He was in the same dance as me.
Instead of seeking further help, I made the internal agreement that I’d bottle it up and deal with it is as a lone wolf.
The story of shame as a boy
Boys learn to bury their shame at a young age.
Then, they become men with shame that’s so sensitive to touch that it takes Bruce Willis and his entire team from Armageddon to come in and diffuse it.
Boys don’t feel safe to express their shadows because their fathers aren’t around, or can’t hold it.
Men don’t feel safe to express their shadows because they’ve never done it before.
The more time that elapses between the boy learning to bury his shame, and the man choosing to look at it, the harder the process becomes. Not impossible, but more painful.
The story of shame as a man
But, what if life’s great? You’ve been burying that puppy since you were 12, and now you have a beautiful wife, kids, and a stable job!
Why would you take the risk of destabilizing your life to look at your shame?
Because most stability that’s built on top of shame is rooted in fear.
If your shame is held within sexual energy, my guess is there’s a strong line of jealousy in your life. Or you struggle with trust.
If your shame is held within money, my guess is that you’ve attacked financial freedom to the point of bending your own integrity or treating people poorly.
If your shame is held within your physical appearance, my guess is that you pass constant judgment towards other men who are fit or bigger than you. And you’re either extremely fit or super unhealthy and hyper judgmental.
Alchemizing shame
It’s now been 2 years since I’ve watched porn. Not because of a girlfriend, or guilt, but because I have a deeper desire for connection and intimacy.
That decision alone has effected every relationship in my life—especially my relationships with women. My internal dialogue is different. I experience women as people, not objects.
If you’re a man on his self-development journey, and feel constricted by his shame, here are 3 things that helped me along the way.
1. Be primal
As men, especially in the Western World we spend sooo much time behind a screen, wearing suits, and walking around like everything’s “alright.”
Here are a few primal activities, ranging in intensity. Some are solutions, some are release valves. Both are important.
- Scream at the top of your lungs
- If you’re stressed going into work, give it a rip in your car before you walk in.
- Go for a walk without your shirt on
- Bonus points if it’s below 40 degrees.
- Exercise
- This is a corner stone habit! If you started exercising 4x per week, your life would fundamentally change.
- Eat foods that come from the earth
- Same as exercising, if you ate food that came from the earth your life would change.
- Put your toes in grass.
- Even if is the small park in the city. Take 10 minutes between your calls, take your shoes off, and walk in the grass. Give your central nervous system a break.
2. Choose hard
We live in the convenience age, but our minds are confused, because challenge creates purpose.
You want a chair from target delivered to your door in 30 minutes? Instacart can do it.
You want an espresso bar from Italy delivered to your front door by tomorrow morning? Done, Amazon’s got you.
What a blessing!
And… our brains are starting to associate challenges as being unnecessary. Or, even worse, as the villain.
But, think about the most impactful moments in your life? How many of them included challenge?
Most of them.
We connect more deeply with ourselves, and others, through challenge.
Start with taking the stairs instead of the escalator.
3. Find safe outlets
As a man on a mission, there’s plenty of times where you’ll have to be alone, but the trap is believing that you’re too good for a pack.
You create your safety. You create the pack you walk with.
Choose them wisely along the way.
Here are a few archetypes that helped me recreate purpose through my most depressing seasons:
- Therapists
- Couples therapy | EMDR | IFS | Somatic
- Men’s Groups
- Psychedelics
- Retreats
- Coaches
- Body workers
- Energy healers
- Breath workers
Thankfully, there are so many tools out there to help discover and alchemize your shame into confidence.
Be aware of what’s possible and choose what’s best for you.
If you’re a man in Denver looking to surround himself with a group of men doing their inner work, join us for the Dynamic Men Group – starting Dec. 1st.
Don’t do it all, but don’t do nothing.
Make your 1% shift from design not default.
I love you,
Ryan
