How to Become a Better Man (3 of 12)
“Why am I stuck in the good ole days?”
When I was 4, my grandpa and I used to watch The Road Runner. I’d sit on his chest in the big recliner, and we’d watch Wile Coyote paint a fake road on a rock, only for the Roadrunner to zoom right through it.
Wile Coyote would try to run after him and—bam!—smash into the rock like a confused idiot.
On my self-development journey–after sports, I’ve often felt like Wile Coyote.
I paint a picture of who I want to be, run full force at it, and then ricochet off like a bouncy ball hitting the ground.
I look around and see other guys running through the picture like it’s easy.
They’re living the life that I’m drawing.
Not only that, but it seems like they aren’t missing a step.
“How the f*ck are they doing that?” I’d think.
Why does it feel like they’re making progress, while I’m still banging my head against the wall?
That’s the thing with men like us. We get attached to our old selves, especially the athlete or the competitor who thrives on external validation.
If you’re like me, you might still crave the days when thousands cheered you on for scoring a touchdown.
The rush.
The pressure.
The culmination of hard work, consistency, blood, sweat, tears, and skill.
What a moment!!
But, if you want to evolve, that version of you can’t run the show anymore.
You’ll still do what you can to hold on – at least for a while.
Maybe you play in three fantasy football leagues, drink a beer after work to “bond” with your kids over the game, or become a coach to stay close to the game.
The truth is, you’re stuck in the past because you’re afraid to change. You’re afraid to let go of the validation you once had.
In the book Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, the authors explain that in many traditional cultures, “the boy must die for the man to be born.”
We must set down our ways of chasing external validation to find a truer sense of self.
Creating purpose comes from the inside-out, not outside-in.
The resistance to change makes it harder to shift identities, and most of us fall into the trap of thinking we just need more willpower, more brute force, to push through.
But what if there was a better way?
Here’s the key: it’s not about forcing change; it’s about choosing your new identity.
That means you go to your basement and find what’s true for you.
From there all you have to do is close the gap between what you know and what you do. The faster you act on what you know, the faster you become the man you want to be.
Simple, but not easy.
Alex Hormozi says, “Learning is the process of changing your behavior in response to a condition. Intelligence is how fast you change it.”
If someone slaps you right now, and in an hour, you duck when they raise their hand again—you learned fast. That’s intelligence.
On the other hand, if it takes you nine years, 32 books, and seven seminars to learn that you don’t love yourself because your dad abandoned you at 5 years old – then you’re learning slowly.
You’re closing the knowledge-action gap slowly.
⬆️ (Don’t feel bad. I’ve been this person in several iterations.)
For the longest time, I thought, “I just need more brute force and discipline to speed this up.”
Sure, maybe. But there’s usually more going on under the surface.
Let’s look at what sports gave me as a young man, and what I gave them:
What did sports give me?
- Purpose
- A sense of improvement
- Excitement
- Challenge
- Community
- Status
- Embodied life lessons
- Safe pain
What did I give to sports?
- Deep Focus
- Effort
- Time
- Energy
- Status
- Consistency
- Pieces of my soul
My relationship with sports was simple, but also deeply complex.
I could probably write a whole book about it: Why Your Husband Acts Like a 17-Year-Old Linebacker or I Want to Be a Varsity Athlete Forever.
But since you’re here for the short version, I’ll keep it tight.
On a deeper level, the reason it’s important to identify what I was giving sports and what it gave me, is because I can start to realign those feelings, experiences, and actions with other aspects of life.
The list above is a guide to recreating purpose in my life.
Those are the experiences I’m looking for.
Not just the peak moment of catching the touchdown in front of thousands of screaming fans.
If I take 5 core exchanges from the list above, I can implement strategies to find those exchanges elsewhere in my current life.
Here are 5 ways to recreate purpose through evolving identity and making embodied choices:
1. Excitement
Eric Hinman, a professional Cross-fit athlete, has an incredibly simple & effective approach to finding what brings life to your life.
Here’s the system that took him from existing day to day, to living his best day – everyday.
“15 years ago, I started making two lists and wrote in them after each day. Much of this clarity came during my long rides, runs and swim session, training for Ironman. Time alone, in nature with my heart rate elevated.
These were my lists:
Aligned:
All of the activities, people, conversations, and environments when I was completely in the moment. Times when I felt valuable. Times when I felt like I could be my authentic self.
Out of Alignment:
All the activities, people, conversations, and environments when I wished I was somewhere else. When I felt inauthentic, and felt like I wasn’t progressing / adding value. Times when I was bored. Conversations and people that detracted from my energy.
Over time I built my days around alignment, determining what value I could add, and then how to monetize portions of it 🙌”
2. Challenge
Men need challenge to feel a sense of improvement and purpose.
In the book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi he shows an ideal level of challenge.
Too much challenge and not enough skill, we’re overwhelmed & anxious.
Too little challenge and more than enough skill, we’re bored.
Dan Koe’s created a beautifully simple graphic that explains it in an image.
To add a deeper sense of purpose in your life, be real with yourself.
Where are you overwhelmed?
What skills could you improve to lessen the anxiety?
What challenges are too much?
Where are you bored?
How can you add challenge?
Don’t lessen your skills. Don’t dumb yourself down.
3. Community
Radha Agrawal, co-founder of Daybreaker, wrote a book titled: Belong.
There are 2 pieces of this book that will help you create a community that feels more aligned with your highest self.
I’ll frame them again in my – what can I get, what can I give framework.
What can you intentionally give to your community?
Doorway Trick
“’Be the thermostat, not the thermometer.’ It means be the type of person that holds your temperature at a sunny 70 degrees, like a thermostat, regardless of the energy around you, rather than being a thermometer and mirror others’ energy.” – Radha
Doorways are a physical portal. Typically, you’re leaving a place – and entering a new one. Like walking from outside (or from work) into your home.
Use doorways as a reminder to take a breath, find yourself, and set your thermostat.
Don’t be a thermometer.
What can you intentionally get from your community?
FYFs
“Good people want to hang out, work, travel, and do business with people who say ‘F*ck yeah! I’m IN!’ Positive energy is contagious. Shoulder-shruggers are often left behind.” – Radha
Axis of Energy | X-Axis Negative to Positive | Y-Axis Low to High
Plot the 10 people you’re around the most – how does your chart feel? If you’re taking on energy constantly, is that the energy you want to be surrounded with?
4. Deep Focus
As humans we’re bound by 2 main things: Time & Energy.
Our brain’s have a limited amount of attention and focus because, fundamentally we need sleep & rest. If you ignore sleep completely, you’ll go insane and eventually die.
The body wakes up on a clock and goes to sleep on a clock.
The sun rises and sets with time.
Instead of getting mad at these rules, learn to play the game.
If you’re bound by time and energy, how can you utilize them better?
Set up deep focus blocks.
When you have a task or creation you want to pour into (like me writing this letter), put your phone in the other room on do not disturb, set your focus on one task, and don’t do anything else for 90 minutes.
If that sounds hard, do 60 minutes.
If that sounds hard, do 15 minutes.
Just start.
The longer you wait and allow your time and energy to be hijacked by distractions, the longer you’ll feel stuck.
I oscillated for years on this. I was closing the knowledge-action gap really slow.
I definitely wasn’t being intelligent.
Here’s where I am today. My morning time has become sacred.
5. Consistency
What’s worth your time?
Start extremely small.
Your health is worth your time. If you don’t take care of your meat sack, you’ll live a miserable life and die early.
If you’re overweight and out of shape, start with 5 minutes of walking outside per day.
Do that for 2 weeks. (You’ll probably find a desire to walk more before the 2 weeks is up.)
Then walk for 10 minutes a day outside.
Stop looking for a quick fix, and look for a lifestyle.
My major challenge is caffeine. I’ve been wanting to let go of that vice for years. I’ve had seasons on and off.
For me, caffeine becomes a bandaid for skipping other healthy habits.
I don’t need good sleep, I’ll just have an extra coffee tomorrow.
I can skip my workout today, I grab an afternoon coffee.
I get one month in on drinking coffee and I’m irritable, out of shape, and my food intake is trash.
Instead of starting a habit directly with caffeine, like “only drink coffee 4 days per week.” (because I’ve tried and that hasn’t last for me.) I started with movement. I make sure I get 20+ minutes of solid movement 6x per week.
Then I said, “cool got it.”
Meditate 10 minutes 6x per week.
And I habit stacked my lifestyle to not needing caffeine.
The commitment and consistency was key.
One day is motivation.
One year is commitment.
Three years is a lifestyle.
Become consistent.
I hope you make a 1% shift today.
I love you,
Ryan
