How to Become a Better Man (2 of 12)
I was overcompensating because I was afraid.
When I first set out on my journey of “becoming a better man,” I was less confident than I thought.
I wouldn’t film videos in front of my girlfriend because I was scared of her judgment.
I didn’t reach out to people, thinking I wasn’t worthy of their time.
I kept making promises to myself, but I rarely followed through.
This lack of deeper self-confidence led me to compensate – more than I cared to admit.
I’d yell at the camera when filming – to “prove” the point and make myself feel valuable.
My reaching out would feel needy and unclear.
I’d straight up lie to myself.
Then came a gnarly breakup, and I had to face a harsh truth: confidence only comes from being vulnerable.
I didn’t like that.
Men don’t like that.
We’re more comfortable with our armor on.
Being vulnerable means taking off the armor to actually see what’s underneath.
We’re like turtles. Ever seen a turtle without its shell?
Exactly.
(Fun fact: Turtles are attached to their shells, so this isn’t real, but you get it.)
Not to disrespect the turtle, but let’s use a more masculine archetype – The Warrior.
For a warrior, the safest place to remove his armor is at home. But if he’s never taken it off in front of himself, how could he ever do it in front of his family?
We care way too much about what they think.
“They need me to be solid and stable.”
“The people who work for me need that too.”
“Oh, and my parents—my mom needs me to stay strong.”
We quickly become the center of everyone’s world—at least in our own minds.
If we’re not solid, we think their worlds will fall apart.
So, instead of showing our struggles, we overcompensate.
Compensation vs. Confidence
Compensation is giving something in recognition of loss, injury, or suffering.
As men, we tend to give money, bravado, or control—to avoid giving our authentic selves.
It’s easier for me to give you $1,000 than a piece of my heart or show you my true desires.
It’s easier for me to spend $1,000 on myself than look inward and confront what’s really going on.
But here’s the thing: why take the risk of being vulnerable, both with yourself and those around you?
Because you only get one life.
If you live in fear, constantly worrying about what others think, you’ll end up on your deathbed wishing you’d lived differently. In Bronnie Ware’s “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying,” the number one regret is:
“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
Ooof.
The good news? You’re still alive. Which means you have time to shift from compensating to being authentically confident – and live a life more true to yourself.
The Archetypes of the Masculine
One tool that helped me is understanding the Archetypes of the Immature and Mature Masculine from Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette’s book, Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine.
We’re all made up of different parts.
Imagine me—Ryan—as the Crayola Crayon box.
My personality is the 96 different crayons inside. Some crayons have been used more than others, and some are still pretty fresh.
For simplicity’s sake, let’s narrow it down to 4 Crayons – and call them masculine archetypes:
Warrior, Lover, Magician, and King.
Each archetype expresses itself differently.
Let’s take the Warrior for example:
The Warrior expresses himself in three forms:
Passive Shadow – Not enough
Active Shadow – Too much
In his fullness – Just right
Remember Little Red Riding Hood’s soup story? Turns out it had more to teach us than we thought.
Passive Shadow
The passive shadow for the Warrior is the Masochist—the pushover. He views other men as more powerful, keeping himself down. The “Yes” man.
Active Shadow
The active shadow is the Sadist—the savage. This man abuses his power, unjustly exploding on his kids, his wife, his employees. This archetype is closely tied to “toxic masculinity.”
Highest Expression – in his fullness
The Warrior in his fullness? He skillfully wields his sword. He knows when enough is enough, yet doesn’t shy away from a fight. This man is highly skilled, and acutely aware.
The Path to Confidence
So, how do you stop compensating and start building genuine confidence?
It starts with authentic self-evaluation.
Where do you stand on this spectrum as a man?
Is your warrior leaning too far into the sadist or masochist?
If you’re real with yourself, you’ll likely have some shadow work to do.
If you’re in the Passive Shadow, ask yourself: Why? What are you afraid of? What limiting beliefs hold you back? What’s your inner child saying?
If you’re in the Active Shadow, the same questions apply. Dive deep into those questions.
And don’t forget, the Warrior is just one archetype. You can apply this same process to the Lover, Magician, and King.
Keep it simple so you can take action.
As always, my hope is that you apply enough of this to make a 1% shift in your life.
Don’t try to do it all at once.
But, don’t do nothing.
If you feel ready, consider joining our Dynamic Men’s Group starting November 1st.
The 12 weeks are half in-person, half online.
Check out the details here.
❤️ Much love,
Ryan
Resources:
📚 Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine
🎥 One way I used to compensate a lot was yelling at the camera to make you believe what I was saying was important. Here’s an example of that.
🔘 Dynamic Men’s Group – Denver Locals Only
