How to Become a Better Man (1 of 12)
This is a photo of me trying to sleep on the streets of Denver while my partner was passed out in our bed less than a mile away. Yeah, it sounds wild—and I’ll get to that story in a minute.
But first, let’s dive into something a little more universal: anger. Specifically, how to deal with it before it deals with you.
A quick heads up,
This is the first letter in a new series.
Over the next 12 weeks I’ll be exploring the question:
“How do I become a better man?”
Through the series I’ll be sharing my journey of becoming a man, where I’ve fallen short and continue to make mistakes, and a mix of ancient & modern tools for exploring masculinity yourself.
At the base, my goal is to help men create more purpose in their lives by making empowered choices.
Let’s dive in!
Here are 7 practical tips for men who want to learn how to control explosive anger and channel it into creating purpose.
1. Find a Safe Place to Express Your Rage
Let’s be real—most of us don’t have healthy outlets for rage anymore.
When I played football, I could smash into people, release that pent-up aggression, and be praised for it. But that’s not how life works now.
As men, we need safe spaces to express our anger without judgment.
Whether that’s the gym, a sport, or simply finding a quiet place to punch a bag, the physical movement is a huge pressure release.
Think of it like opening the valve on a rice cooker before it explodes. If you don’t have a safe place to rage, your anger will spill into areas of your life where it doesn’t belong.
2. Label Your Irritation Amplifiers
Not all anger comes out of nowhere. Often, it’s small irritations piling up until they spill over.
For me, things like lack of sleep, too much caffeine, and feeling out of alignment with my purpose can set me off.
By labeling these irritations, I can control the controllables and avoid explosions.
Try identifying the things that make you tick and work on controlling what you can.
You’d be amazed at how much easier it is to manage your anger when you see the triggers coming.
3. Approach Yourself with Curiosity, Not Judgment
We are our own worst critics. But instead of beating yourself up, try a little curiosity.
Ask yourself, “Why am I like this? Where is this coming from?”
It’s about creating space to explore your anger without the harsh inner dialogue.
This doesn’t mean becoming loose and a push over. I’m not asking you to lose your edge.
It means you’re giving yourself the room to breathe, reflect, and then take action.
4. Psychedelics and Integration
I won’t lie—psychedelics have been a game-changer for me.
But the key isn’t just the experience itself; it’s the integration that happens afterward.
You can have a life-altering trip, but without practices like meditation, journaling, or talking through what came up, it’s just a fleeting moment.
If you’re open to it, psychedelics can offer a new perspective on anger, showing you the roots of your emotions. Just make sure you’re doing the work afterward to integrate those insights into your daily life.
5. Explore Shadow Work
Every man has a dark side. We try to ignore it, but it shows up in our anger, impatience, and frustration.
Shadow work is about looking at those parts of yourself you don’t want to see—the side of the coin that’s hidden.
The man in the cave.
By bringing your shadows into the light, you can start to understand them. The goal isn’t to eliminate your shadow, but to see it for what it is and learn to work with it instead of against it.
6. Take Extreme Ownership
Jocko Willink coined the term Take Extreme Ownership, and it’s a powerful tool for handling anger.
It’s not about blaming yourself for everything but taking full responsibility for your actions & reactions.
One of my favorite quotes is,
“It’s not your fault, but it’s your responsibility.”
You grew up poor.
That’s not your fault, but it’s your responsibility to change it as an adult.
You’re overweight and out of shape because you grew up on a horrendous U.S. diet without any movement.
That’s not your fault, but it’s your responsibility to change it as an adult.
Your parents were addicts, so you struggle with addiction.
That’s not your fault, but it’s your responsibility to change it as an adult.
If you want to shift from a victim mindset to taking extreme ownership, start small and build up.
Take extreme ownership over how your bathroom looks and feels.
Then, take extreme ownership over your physical health.
Then, take extreme ownership over how your romantic partnership feels and operates.
7. Join a Men’s Group
One of the most powerful things you can do is surround yourself with men who love you, hold you accountable, and whom you have a deep trust with.
I’m starting a Dynamic Men’s Group in Denver, and if you’re local, we’d love to have you. There’s magic in a group of men going inward together.
The Streets of Denver: My Rage Story
I told her I was heading to the mountains to clear my head. She knows how important that is for my mental health.
A week before leaving, Alexa said, “Of course you can take my car.”
We decided to keep just her car when we moved in together, but I made it a point to remember—it was her car.
In the past, I’d had bad experiences sharing a partner’s vehicle, so I was cautious. Borrowing her car for the weekend felt like a favor.
My other option? Taking the bus to Boulder and hiking with a tent on my back.
The day I was leaving, I was running on fumes. Completely drained, with money tight. At that point, if Alexa had chewed with her mouth open, it could’ve set me off.
All I wanted was to get to the mountains and disconnect.
I felt like that science experiment where you drop Mentos into a bottle of Diet Coke—except I was trying to put the cap on the bottle while the explosion was happening.
As I packed my final bag, Alexa said the magic words that dropped the last few Mentos in.
“I’ve rearranged all my plans so you could take my car for the weekend. Will you please take your phone?”
Fuck that. I don’t need you. Don’t offer me help and then use it to pressure me into doing something I don’t want to do.
I didn’t say those exact words out loud, but my energy screamed them.
Despite all the therapy, the psychedelics, and the communication skills I’ve learned over the years, I couldn’t stop my anger from bubbling over.
I could label the triggers.
I could see where they were coming from.
I could even explain why I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion.
But I couldn’t let go of my rage.
The photo above shows me five hours later, trying to sleep on the streets of Denver—a mile from home.
I wasn’t going to take her pity gift, not when she threw it in my face.
I also wasn’t about to take the bus to Boulder and spend three nights in my tent just because she said she’d worry.
How chivalrous of me.
So instead, I wandered the streets of Denver, feeling like a game of Pong—bouncing between frustration and confusion.
Eventually, I sat with my anger long enough to calm down and process the shame and sadness underneath. By 1:00 a.m., I finally went home to sleep in my own bed.
We integrated that experience for the next 3 months.
As always, my hope is that you apply enough of this to make a 1% shift in your life.
Don’t try to do it all at once.
But, don’t do nothing.
Take 2 deep breaths and ask yourself, “What resonates from this letter?”
Do that.
If you feel ready, consider joining our Dynamic Men’s Group starting November 1st.
The 12 weeks are half in-person, half online.
Check out the details here.
Much love,
❤️ Ryan
